Soul Gardening - no. I the one where i finally get personal

Let’s start out by addressing the fact that I am the kind of person who is prone to more flings than “long-term relationships”.  “Why is that?”  You ask?  Perhaps I have a common fear of commitment similar to the third of the population of America, or maybe it’s my doomed affliction of letting physical attraction take the wheel when it comes to the never-ending search for a magical golden heart to attach myself to.   Whatever it is, it’s become an unfortunate normality for me whenever my hormones decide to take a wild stroll with the opposite sex.  Plus, it’s really annoying.

Now, the predicament:  since my runaround heart seems to take sick pleasure in wasting my time with these unproductive and fruitless joyrides, my question is: How do I separate my real feelings from the infuriatingly convincing (however fleeting) “attacks” that seem to take over my nervous system when presented with a potential boy-anchor that could ground my head-in-the clouds life with love?  

Perhaps in my subconscious I am too swift to believe that a romantic love relationship with someone who my mind perceives as special will solve my problems, straighten out my chaotic life, and put an end to the miserable, time-consuming effort to pair up with another person who truly has my best interests at heart. 

Objectively, for most, the “purpose” of everyone’s life is to find that one ideal partner, that one person that can make your world stop spinning and start producing meaningful material that you can finally be proud of presenting to the world.  Everyone is searching, but how do we prune the weeds from the roses? 

For me, the aforementioned flings that I’ve participated in have always ended within the span of a month.  Any long-term relationship for me has lasted between a couple of months to a year, maybe a year and a half.  All have ended in disappointment.  Why do I keep searching and coming up with the wrong answer?  It’s time to upgrade to smarter strategy or to not have a strategy at all, maybe to stop expecting things to happen and to start letting things grow on their own.  It’s not as easy as it sounds, but I think it’s time to start doing some gardening on my soul.